The last week or so, I’ve approached a few copywriting agencies – with some success. Inevitably, doing business for the first time means meeting up. Not a problem. This copywriter’s no stranger to motorways.

However, a short conversation similar to this one will almost certainly ensue:

Agency: Can you bring along some finished copywriting samples?
Me: Er, not really, no.
Agency: Oh, why not?
Me: I don’t have any.

There’ll then be a stunned silence. This will be followed by me explaining that yes, I really am proud of my work and yes, my clients love what I do. So why no glossy copy?

Well, it goes like this. And I understand that I’m going to sound like one of those editorial types who thinks that clients really, really want correct spelling and punctuation, rather than to shift their products and build their brand.

However, in my experience, no matter how lying-on-their-backs-legs-in-the-air thrilled a client is with my copywriting, they will generally tinker. A word here, a jiggle of a sentence there.

Now, I love my clients. But I do wish they wouldn’t do this. My copy is carefully crafted. It can take an hour to get a particularly pivotal sentence right. And, frankly, if there’s so much as a comma out of place, then I don’t want to be held responsible.

For those who think this is an extreme reaction, consider this: I visit a copywriting agency, meet the Client Director, chat for an hour over Hobnobs and everything’s going swimmingly. I leave behind some samples.

A day or so later, the Creative Director’s browsing through my stuff with a G&T and he spots a few howlers. He’s a stickler for grammar and punctuation. I’m not there to defend myself. Bye-bye lots of work.

I’m sorry. I’m a perfectionist. I can’t help myself.

Tags: Copywriting, correct English

Checking out the copywriting competition today, I found one guy charging £450 a day who had clearly missed those vital ‘i before e except after c’ lessons. Not once but twice did he write ‘recieve’ on his Info and Prices page. This same copywriter also seems to think that elusive is spelt ‘illusive’ and that relative means relevant.

To be honest, this isn’t the first time a lazy trawl through my copywriting competition has revealed mind-numbing levels of illiteracy – comma splices, spellos, misplaced apostrophes and just downright clumsy use of language seem to be the norm.

Now, I know that if you’re a business owner, you’re probably not looking for grammatical perfection. You want to shift your product or build your brand. And that’s what a good copywriter will do.

But, for £450 a day, you do have a right to expect that your chosen copywriter can string together a correctly punctuated, properly constructed sentence.

Let’s face it, the brand-building is the soft furnishings. The ability to write a proper sentence is the bricks and mortar and, if that’s not in place, your house will come a-tumbling down.

This is the trouble with the Net.  It’s great for buying and selling stuff cheaply, communicating across the world and for, ahem, single people. However, it’s also fantastic for pretending to be something you’re not. Like a copywriter.

Ofcopy, anyone?

Police chiefs are in line to win a competition for the most ridiculous use of the English language after writing a 102-word sentence that ‘defies understanding’.

In a response to the Government’s Green Paper on policing, the Association of Chief Police Officers (ACPO) came up with a sentence described as ‘gobbledygook’ by the Plain English Campaign.

The paper, signed off by Chief Constable Sir Ken Jones, the President of ACPO, was revealed in Police Review as: ‘The promise of reform which the Green Paper heralds holds much for the public and Service alike; local policing, customised to local need with authentic answerability, strengthened accountabilities at force level through reforms to police authorities and HMIC, performance management at the service of localities with targets and plans tailored to local needs, the end of centrally-engineered one size fits all initiatives, an intelligent approach to cutting red tape through redesign of processes and cultures, a renewed emphasis on strategic development so as to better equip our service to meet the amorphous challenges of managing cross force harms, risks and opportunities.’

Gulp. I’m reminded of the fact that I successfully submitted two former employers for this award, while I was working for them.

Tags: English language, jargon

Hey, I know you’re wary of us copywriters. Unless you know us intimately, you don’t necessarily want to entrust that 39-page website to us. You just don’t want to be presented with a fait accompli that’s, well, not very accompli.

I know. I understand. That’s why I’m big on style tests, free samples and the like. But this last week, I’ve completed no fewer than six separate loads of free copywriting samples.

Either there’s buckets of new copywriting work just around the corner, or everyone just wants a page for free.

In fact, here’s a thought. Get 39 copywriters to do you a free page each and you’re sorted. Or maybe not.

Tags: copy, copywriting. copywriters, style tests

I’m not proud. Well, a bit. I don’t like holes in my socks and I have a bath once a week whether I need it or not. That’s why I don’t mind admitting that things have gone a touch quiet on the copywriting front. Lucky I have that multi-billion-dollar oil business as a back-up, eh? Call me a genius, but I reckon it’s down to the recession.

Now, not being one to sit around moping, I’ve sat around mucking about with my Adwords campaigns instead.

It seems to me that the tumbleweed is blowing down the high street of British industry, as the bailiffs hammer on the metal shutters. So, a little research – specifically, a Google search for ‘countries least affected by the recession’ – and half an hour later, I’ve wiped the UK from the face of my PPC campaign and replaced it with places like the UAE, Australia, Sweden and Canada.

Well, the tiger has roared already. Someone in Ottawa wants me to ‘hit home runs’ with a few sales letters. Export has never been so easy.

Tags: copywriters, Copywriting, Export